Missing the Old Me: Navigating Identity Loss

You love your kids. You’d do anything for them. But sometimes, in the quiet moments – or the chaotic ones – you realise you don’t quite recognise the woman in the mirror anymore.

You remember her. She used to have Saturday lie-ins, spontaneous nights out, goals that didn’t involve laundry. She laughed more. She wore earrings. Maybe she even read books with actual chapters.

Now? You’re touched-out, time-poor and wondering if that version of you is lost forever.

You’re not alone. And you’re definitely not broken.

Why No One Talks About This (But Should)

When you become a mum, everyone wants to talk about your baby. The milestones. The nappies. The sleep (or lack of). But barely anyone checks in on you. Not just how you’re coping, but how you feel.

There’s a quiet kind of grief that can sneak in after birth. It doesn’t mean you regret becoming a parent. It means you miss the parts of yourself that had to be packed away when motherhood took over. And because the world expects mums to be endlessly grateful, this kind of grief often comes with a hefty side of guilt.

But here’s the truth: You can love your child with every fibre of your being and still miss the version of yourself that had space to just be.

Signs You Might Be Experiencing Identity Loss

Not sure if this is what you’re feeling? Here are a few clues:

• You can’t remember the last time you did something just for fun
• You introduce yourself as “[child’s name] mum” and it feels like your actual name is on pause
• You miss your old routines, your work, or just the sense of having your own life
• You feel like you’re performing a role instead of living your truth
• Your body doesn’t feel like yours anymore – physically or emotionally

What Actually Causes the “Who Even Am I?” Feeling

There isn’t one simple cause. It’s more like a perfect storm:

• Hormones: They don’t just impact your mood. They can fog your memory, shift your libido, and make you feel like a stranger to yourself.
• Mental load: You’re juggling a hundred invisible tasks and carrying everyone’s needs. No wonder you feel buried.
• Lack of sleep: This one’s huge. Sleep deprivation chips away at your resilience, your motivation, even your sense of humour.
• Cultural messaging: We’re told that “being a mum” should be enough. That needing anything else is selfish. (Spoiler: It’s not.)

How to Start Reclaiming Parts of Yourself

You don’t need a total reinvention. You just need space to remember who you are. Here are some gentle ways to start:

• Bring back tiny rituals: A solo walk, five minutes with your journal, dancing to one old-school banger in the kitchen. Start small, but make it yours.
• Say yes to one non-mum thing a week: Maybe it’s yoga, sketching, or messaging a mate without talking about the kids.
• Let go of perfect: Trying to be everything to everyone leaves no room for you. It’s okay to lower the bar.
• Talk to someone: Whether it’s therapy, a mum group, or a mate who gets it – saying it out loud helps.

Making Peace With the Fact That You’ve Changed

Let’s be real: You won’t go back to who you were before. But that doesn’t mean you’re lost.

Motherhood changes you. It breaks you open. Some bits stay messy, others grow stronger. You don’t have to mourn the old you forever. Instead, you get to decide which parts to carry forward and which ones no longer serve you.

You are still you. Wiser. Warmer. Maybe more tired, but also more powerful than you realise.

You’re Still In There, I Promise

This isn’t about bouncing back. It’s about gently returning to yourself. About remembering that you’re more than a snack-fetcher, a bum-wiper, a human comfort blanket.

You’re still in there.

And if you ever forget, know that we’re here to remind you.

Let’s Talk About It

Ever found yourself saying, “I miss who I used to be”? You’re not alone – and you’re not broken. Share your story in the comments. What helped you reconnect with yourself again?