The NICU is a place nobody wants their child to see, but it’s a reality for thousands of families every year. Join our NCU Moms group for someone to lean on when you’re feeling depleted, and for photos and stories from NICU graduates who have been where you are.
Jealous of other moms and babies
Fickle-Duck5873MemberNovember 6, 2021 at 1:37 am
We have a close family member who had a baby 2 days after me. In the beginning it was so so hard. They were sending pics of their cute little newborn meanwhile I hadn’t even got to hold my baby yet. It still makes me sad to think about.
Recently I was watching a sitcom and the mom had a baby and immediately did skin to skin and I started bawling about how I didn’t get to do that.
I have a pregnant SIL who is getting close to when I had to have my baby and it’s hard seeing her.
My baby has been home for 4 months and is 7 months actual at this point. I can’t do anything to change how we started. But I definitely don’t take our time together now for granted. While handling all these situations has become easier, it’s still not easy to do.
I’m not sure really where I’m going with this, but just know you are not alone. Nobody who is s non nicu parent will ever understand or get it but luckily we have this group.
whiskeymeawaytonightMemberNovember 6, 2021 at 1:37 am
2 of my husbands cousins wives were pregnant the same time as me. I was supposed to be in between, but ended up being first and having my baby at 25 weeks. It was so hard to see them have the “normal” birth and newborn experience. While all we had was endless hospital time. You mourn for the experience you didn’t get to have, and that’s ok. Then later we were debating another baby but were kind of waiting for some of her health issues from prematurity to be over. They both got pregnant at the same time and I was again back in that place where it seemed everyone got to have the experiences that I didn’t. It’s rough while you are going through it, but it does it get easier with time.
yawaemworht182MemberNovember 6, 2021 at 1:37 am
I also had twins. I lost one at 4 days old in the NICU and the other spent 50 days in the NICU. Everytime I saw (and still sometimes) twins. I feel bitter towards that family. It isn’t their fault of course but it’s just a sucky feeling knowing you didn’t get that ending (even though I have no idea of that situation).
You feel how ever you need to feel. There is no right or wrong. I hope your babies continue to thrive and you hang in the best you can.
Lonit-BonitMemberNovember 6, 2021 at 1:37 am
I got to hold my friends newborn son before I got to hold my own daughter. I bawled. Our kids are going on 6 now and all I can remember was snuggling their ‘huge’ baby before going to the hospital to gently rest my hand over my daughters back.
wonderwall916MemberNovember 6, 2021 at 1:37 am
I totally understand how you’re feeling. My sister and I had our babies within 2 hours of eachother. She gave birth to a full term healthy baby, and I had my son at 26w4d.
While I am very appreciative that my sister asked me if I was okay with her posting updates and said she is more than willing to curtail it if it was hard for me, it wasn’t necessary because my situation shouldn’t impact the joy in her life, nor should she feel guilty about being happy.
With that being said, its totally OK for you to feel jealous. And its totally OK for you to take a step back and focus on your feelings and emotions. If you feel the need to, let them know that you’re taking a step back because while you are happy for them, you’re focusing on your baby and its emotionally hard for you right now. I think your friends would understand and be supportive.
GorillaToastMemberNovember 6, 2021 at 1:37 am
I felt very similar things, and sometimes still do. I had my twins very unexpectedly at 26+2 so didn’t even get to the 3rd trimester, and it’s still hard nearly 9 months later to see and hear about people who went to term, or hearing people complain about the third trimester. None of my mum friends or twin mum friends had preemies, except for those I met in the NICU. I had 4 friends who were all due around the same time I was, and I had to be happy for each damn one when my babies were 3 months old by then and still in hospital. I also hated seeing those first photos where the mum is holding her baby straight after birth as mine were taken away before I’d really seen their faces.
The feeling fades with time. Therapy helps, if it’s an option for you.
And FWIW, as a mum of ‘more’ prem babies, I am not offended and your feelings are very valid. We’re all united by the horribleness of the NICU here, no matter what the gestation. Big hugs.
sowasred2012MemberNovember 6, 2021 at 1:37 am
I still wrestle with that, even two years later. I had to leave the NCT whatsapp group we were part of because I couldnt handle being happy for all of the babies they were having and the “problems” they were having (not getting much sleep, fussy feeding etc) were in another league to what we were dealing with in NICU. All of the problems they were having were totally valid, and they were struggling as any parent would be, it just made me so mad that we were dealt the hand we were dealt.
Doesn’t matter what I do, on some level I always make the comparisons, and then I have to go through this whole thing of reasoning with myself that it’s not fair on anybody to do that – my son is on his own path, and it’s way, way different than his cousins, or my friends’s kids.
It’s a sucky thing to have to keep doing, but it makes it a million times easier to see the progress my son is making, having gone through everything he has. He’s a fighter.
MyUsername168MemberNovember 6, 2021 at 1:37 am
October was the month my little girl was actually due, so I was seeing a lot of the women I followed and were pregnant at the same time as me going into labor on TikTok. I was legitimately jealous of them because labor was just naturally happening for them, they got to bring their babies home when they went home. Hell, they got to have their entire pregnancy. It’s traumatic, being told you’re having your baby earlier than you expected. Having the NICU team come in and tell you how it was all going to work and what to expect is an unforgettable experience. I think it’s okay to be frustrated, jealous or whatever other emotion you feel. What you’re going through is unexplainable to anyone who hasn’t been through it and you’re allowed to feel the way you feel. You’re doing absolutely perfect ❤️
Rae10040MemberNovember 6, 2021 at 1:37 am
Thank you for sharing your experience. I too experience these feelings with other pregnancies/babies and it’s nice to know that my feelings are valid/normal and not something to be ashamed of.
badassmotherfucker87MemberNovember 6, 2021 at 1:37 am
I responded to someone else with this, but I can understand. I had identical twins at 27 weeks and lost one. I happen to be an identical twin as well, and my mom went to term with us. She’s made comparisons about how she was just made for having twins. It’s really hard to see people who just had better luck. Hang in there, 32 weeks is still a good gestation for preemies, but still a long road.
Reasonable-Dare458MemberNovember 6, 2021 at 1:37 am
I did feel somewhat similar with my first. I have never brought a term newborn home. By the time my third NICU baby came it’s just normal for me and I gave up on the idea of “normal” all my kids are healthy with no long term issues so we got lucky. I understand the feelings and hope they pass for you. I didn’t see my first child for 6+ hours. The other two were much earlier but the staff at least let me see them before taking them
EdibleStarchyTubaMemberNovember 6, 2021 at 1:37 am
I completely understand those feelings. We’re 9 weeks into our NICU stay and this month is when she was due, instead I had an emergency caesarean at 28 weeks. Walking in and out of the hospital everyday and having to pass the parents with full term newborns loading them into the car is so hard. For me the hardest was yesterday when I walked past someone I know socially who was due next week. She’d had her full term healthy baby, and was leaving. She was also introducing her eldest son to the baby (visiting restrictions). Meanwhile my five year old has never met his sister. It’s painful to watch people celebrate normal milestones. I’m hoping that pain eases.
kittykaitvMemberNovember 6, 2021 at 1:37 am
My best friend had her baby girl 24 hours after me. My son was delivered via csection at 37 weeks not breathing, he needed to be resuscitated and I took 5 hours to get him stable enough to take to the nicu an hour away. I didn’t see him until he was being transported the it took 2 days for me to be released to be with him. She had a perfect birth, beautiful pics of that baby girl placed in her arms immediately after delivery and was home with her girl before I’d even held mine. I TOTALLY understand your jealousy and am here for ALL your venting! ❤️❤️❤️
kbeksMemberNovember 6, 2021 at 1:37 am
Me and my wife had the same though process when our kid was in the NICU. It doesn’t go away when you leave, it lingers for a while. You’re not experiencing the “normal” birth experience, people who did will make you upset. I had friends with newborns complain about changing diapers to me and I wanted to scream at them. They’d complain about middle of the night wake ups and it would make me livid. They wanted some more sleep and I would have killed to be able to bring my baby home. My wife would seethe at her friend’s picturesque (as far as we knew, Instagram is a highlight real) birth stories for about a full year after we got home.
Obviously it was all on me (and my wife), and it made us feel worse that we felt mad at them. The truth is the NICU is a trauma and it re-wires your brain. It sucks. It gets better in time but it sucks for now. Just know that you have the right to feel how you feel, and if you need to take a break from social media for your own mental health, do it. Don’t worry about hurt feelings because you’re not liking someone else’s birth story, you have to take care of yourself right now so you can be there for your kid.
Also know that your friends have a right to celebrate, and to complain a little, and it’s ok for you to put some distance there if you need it. No one is doing anything “wrong,” it’s just a weird experience.
DauntlessLouMemberNovember 6, 2021 at 1:37 am
Today is my daughter’s 3rd birthday and I still feel this way. I get sad around other kids who don’t have the speech and developmental delays she has.