Tired of only mattering when I hit meltdown level.

  • Tired of only mattering when I hit meltdown level.

    Breaking Moms - 2021 Ooopus updated 3 weeks ago 1 Member · 1 Post
  • Breaking Moms - 2021

    Ooopus

    Member
    November 7, 2021 at 7:42 am

    Giant vent coming in – I do want to say that usually my fiance is an incredible human. Seriously, a great guy and was a great partner until mid depression spiral. Not planning on leaving or anything, just need to get this out.

    I’m so tired. I feel like the only time my fiance actually hears me is when I hit meltdown level. He his been struggling with depression and sleep issues (chronically tired, like can sleep 12hrs and still need a nap) for about 2.5 years but only started getting help about 5mo ago (after I hit a breaking point) but it’s only when I make the appointments, find the the Drs, tell him what to ask and bluntly tell him the current meds aren’t helping. Now, I’ve been there (PTSD, anxiety, ADHD) but we have an 11mo old and I just can’t handled the mental load anymore.

    Im a SAHM and physically completely wrecked from pregnancy. In the past 11mo I’ve been diagnosed with (or trying to get a diagnosis for) PCOS/possible endo, still loosing large amounts of hair, possible thyroid problems, gaining and loosing a large amount of weight and now I’m 90% loose skin and stretch marks, 2 different prolapses that probably need surgery, I have a weird rash on my arms & legs plus tons of acne, a rare urinary cyst and maybe another type of cyst but I need an MRI, back is constantly in pain and now I’m lactose intolerant, ADHD… there’s more that I’m forgetting.

    I’m lonely, hanging out with a *very* busy baby all day isn’t really very mentally stimulating in the creative sense and he works alllll the time, when he gets home he’ll be a great dad but sleep as soon as he gets the baby down. There isn’t room for me to share how much I’m struggling – he’s been completely checked out. I’ll have a breakdown and it’ll get better for a week (after I make an appointment for him) then it’ll just go back to being alone with another person (sometimes) in the room.

    Today’s breaking point was over the dog who has shit on the spare bed 2 days in a row. I love her – but she’s been having behavioral issues and snapped at the baby (who was just crawling nearby, not grabbing or anything) and now she can’t be around the cats without getting aggressive. Normally I’d be all about training and I’m usually pretty good at it, but my fiance isn’t consistent and let’s her do whatever or just leaves it to me. My days are spent running around keeping the kid alive and rotating the animals to spend time with them while keeping the dog separate from the cats and then making sure she’s not close to the baby. It fucking sucks. I’ve been asking for help training her for the past year, but again all of the mental load researching good tactics and implementing them defaults to me. I can’t do it, I’m so resentful of my partner and it’s not best for the dog at all. I told him he needs to either step up (last chance) or she needs a new home. I feel awful, but it’s just not sustainable.

    This is the pattern of our entire relationship (house projects, sex, parenting style, dates, childcare for anything, therapy, elopement planning) and I’m so fucking sick of hearing how much he cares about us but only getting the anxious, depressed checked out parts of him. The apologies are useless bullshit. He wants to get better, and is more then willing to go to whatever but all of the actual work falls on me.

    It’s sucking the life out of me. The house is in chaos and I just can’t do anything about it. Nothing brings me joy outside of my kid and I’m planning on cancelling the elopement trip because he’s ruined by only getting anxious about the money (not a word of excitement or bringing it up on his own). I’m sucking hard at the whole mom thing because I just don’t have the bandwidth for stuff outside of keeping her alive and entertained. It’s making me hate myself, I feel revolting physically (blah blah blah I know I made a kid, doesn’t mean I can’t hate the aftermath) and there’s no space for self-care. I don’t have a person to share with because I don’t have the energy to maintain anything close to a friendship.

    I’m doing the right things: my parents take the kid sometimes, I have a psychiatrist, couples therapy will happen when I can make mental space to find someone, trying to communicate… But this is all things I’ve said over and over but he just doesn’t listen unless I’m in tears and wanting to just disappear (not die, just turn off for like a day). I hate it. Then I get to deal with his sad anxiety guilt spiral after.

    Ugh. I’m so tired and so fucking done.

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