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Forums Forums Group Forums Breaking Moms Husband “cleaned out the pantry” and I’m actually in tears Reply To: Husband “cleaned out the pantry” and I’m actually in tears

  • bethestorm

    October 22, 2021 at 6:59 am

    Honestly I haven’t seen anyone comment it but one thing I thought immediately was this sounds like someone potentially on a substance and hiding use of it.

    Randomly “cleaning” or organizing when they are known for not typically being an organized or neat person. Memory loss (or exaggerated refusal to trace back steps, possibly if was lying or attempting to not account for certain times they know they would thus need explain). Explosive anger, sudden aggression, habitual victim card playing and manipulation to the degree they appear to believe their own twisted reality.

    I did note it said he was possibly ADHD and medication status is unknown and these can all be complications of starting a new medication, changing dose abruptly, or starting medicine for the first time. But any responsible doctor and pharmacy would heavily warn for these side effects and request they be reported immediately because they are adverse effects, particularly aggression and rage.

    That being said, obviously most of these would apply to any illicit stimulant among other things.

    I don’t know OP if you have already kind of asked yourself if he’d be doing something like that, and I’m not sure even what advice I’d give if that were the case. But I do think it might be worth keeping in mind in case more things seem to add up that could be that – long trips to the bathroom, or frequent errands out yet returning empty handed. Conflicting stories about where or who he was with. Liars often don’t remember the lies they gave said when it comes to details.

    If you have a safe place and I do mean a very safe place to journal or keep an online journal of any strange things and or further abusive or frightening behavior I’d do so, just in case you decide later on this isn’t a situation you want yourself or kiddo in for whatever reason, even if the reason is simply because you have had enough. He doesn’t have to be an addict, violent abuser, or even a shit husband for you to have had enough and hit your limit on what you can handle for your life for your own reasons that you have time and time again tried to communicate. That is not your failing. Your strength has a lot of ties with the boundaries you are willing to set for yourself and those around you and your willingness to permit yourself to enforce them.
    There’s nothing wrong with and certainly nothing mean about deciding what you can and cannot accept in your life. If you wouldn’t advise your child to endure it, don’t let him trick you into guilting yourself for not enduring it.

    I hope when you are ready you find the way forward and whatever that looks like for you all, that it is healthy and safe and good and leads to happiness for you and your kiddo. His happiness is his own responsibility. That’s just being a grown up. As long as you let him blame you for the situation he has consistently put himself in due to laziness or poor values, he will, because he is a weak man. If you stay, which may very well be what you hope for, you can still decide there will be no more blaming you for his actions. Even if it means resorting to college roommate level chore charts and locked cabinets and seperate meal preparations until he’s understood enough through counseling or whatever to decide to at minimum not disrupt or destroy what you have chosen for your needs. Period.

    If he isn’t willing to do these things, even though yes they sound annoying and childish and tiring, then he obviously isn’t capable of doing the hard things. Because these little things or temporary ideas to stop the situation worsening while you both work together are the easy parts. They are the grunt work. They are not the complex emotional and behavioral changes or profound sense of intimacy and vulnerability that will be nessicary to move forward.

    And you cannot make him willing. Nor are you responsible if he claims you made him unwilling. Either he is a man who will work to keep his family together and happy and healthy as he has promised and vowed to do or he is not. That is not on you. What is on you will be decided between you, potentially your counselor, and your values. His willingness is up to him. And it may make you sad to realize that you can’t earn his love but the essence of love is it cannot be earned, bought, won, taken, stolen, or chosen. It must be given. Freely. Real love is a gift. And if he is taking his for granted, that’s a very pitiable way to live, and he will regret it. But loving him, assuming you still do, is your gift, and you never need to feel ashamed of that or pretend it’s not there. But you also don’t need to let your self and your gifts be taken for granted. You can love and still leave. We love people who we look back on fondly all the time. It may feel impossible. But I hope that you at least know you are not alone and you are strong enough for whatever comes next.

    And you aren’t just strong enough to endure it – you are powerful enough to create it and enjoy it and celebrate it.